It’s been a week of Big Decisions.
Returning to work hasn’t gone all that well. Shortly after returning I started falling apart again, and I wasn’t able to manage more than a day or two a week due to the exhaustion and shortness of breath. After a week and a half, I realized that this really isn’t working. I had hoped to be able to hold on for a month or two until I was able to get Medicaid coverage squared away, then move down to a part-time fee-for-service position at the outpatient clinic. But after the dysfunctional disaster that last week turned into, I knew I had to do something else. This trying-and-failing wasn’t fair to anyone involved – myself, my clients, or the agency. So on Monday, I met with HR, and explored other options.
The current plan is to finish up my remaining paperwork this week, then go back out on short-term disability. Once I use up the rest of my 6 months of state benefits, I will be eligible for my employer’s long-term disability plan. Within the next few months I will hopefully get my Medicaid reinstated, so I won’t need to worry about losing my health benefits. And then I will go along my merry way as a person with a long-term disability.
It’s not easy. I’m a very driven, determined individual, and slowing down is not part of my innate skill set. I worked hard to return to school and get my MSW, and I definitely planned on using it for more than a year and a half. But I’m trying this new thing now where instead of fighting against my body, I actually listen to what it’s telling me, and right now the message is loud and clear: Slow Down.
Maybe later I’ll be able to return to work part-time. Maybe, once I’ve had time to build my strength up, I’ll be able to go to the outpatient clinic on my terms, doing the job I love to whatever extent I’m able to manage, while also listening to and taking care of my body. This is my long-term goal, and I’ve set it as a guiding star in my sky, twinkling down on me whenever I care to look up and admire it. But just like the stars, it is a distant goal, a “maybe someday” goal that’s only fit for idle daydreaming right now. Right now, I need to be healthy. I need to get strong again, without worrying about how I’m going to pay my bills, or what my clients need, or how I’m going to get out of bed and manage another day of work. Right now, I’m going to focus on me, and on what I need, and on devoting the energy and attention I showered on my clients to myself for a change.
It’s my time now.
Returning to work hasn’t gone all that well. Shortly after returning I started falling apart again, and I wasn’t able to manage more than a day or two a week due to the exhaustion and shortness of breath. After a week and a half, I realized that this really isn’t working. I had hoped to be able to hold on for a month or two until I was able to get Medicaid coverage squared away, then move down to a part-time fee-for-service position at the outpatient clinic. But after the dysfunctional disaster that last week turned into, I knew I had to do something else. This trying-and-failing wasn’t fair to anyone involved – myself, my clients, or the agency. So on Monday, I met with HR, and explored other options.
The current plan is to finish up my remaining paperwork this week, then go back out on short-term disability. Once I use up the rest of my 6 months of state benefits, I will be eligible for my employer’s long-term disability plan. Within the next few months I will hopefully get my Medicaid reinstated, so I won’t need to worry about losing my health benefits. And then I will go along my merry way as a person with a long-term disability.
It’s not easy. I’m a very driven, determined individual, and slowing down is not part of my innate skill set. I worked hard to return to school and get my MSW, and I definitely planned on using it for more than a year and a half. But I’m trying this new thing now where instead of fighting against my body, I actually listen to what it’s telling me, and right now the message is loud and clear: Slow Down.
Maybe later I’ll be able to return to work part-time. Maybe, once I’ve had time to build my strength up, I’ll be able to go to the outpatient clinic on my terms, doing the job I love to whatever extent I’m able to manage, while also listening to and taking care of my body. This is my long-term goal, and I’ve set it as a guiding star in my sky, twinkling down on me whenever I care to look up and admire it. But just like the stars, it is a distant goal, a “maybe someday” goal that’s only fit for idle daydreaming right now. Right now, I need to be healthy. I need to get strong again, without worrying about how I’m going to pay my bills, or what my clients need, or how I’m going to get out of bed and manage another day of work. Right now, I’m going to focus on me, and on what I need, and on devoting the energy and attention I showered on my clients to myself for a change.
It’s my time now.
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