I haven’t posted an “update” in a while, because there hasn’t been much to say. My health has been relatively stable; some days are better, some worse, but overall things have been mostly manageable. The main focus of the last 4 months has been dealing with endless forms, phone calls, and bureaucracy while trying to get various benefits squared away. I’m working with a (free) lawyer through the Cystic Fibrosis Social Security Project, so it took a while for them to obtain and review my medical records and decide on a course of action. Medicaid also took a stupidly long time to come together, and in the meantime Cobra and copays have sucked my savings dry. It feels like I’ve been spinning my wheels for months, with no choice but to wait for other people to make decisions about my life. Not exactly fun.
Finally, however, things are starting to come together. As of this month I’m back on Medicaid, and I finally started my Social Security application. It takes about 6 months for Social Security to make a decision, and there’s every possibility that I’ll then have to go through the denial and appeals process to make it even longer. But at least the journey has finally begun!
The current stressor, aside from reams of paperwork, is that my short-term disability from the state is due to run out by February. I still haven’t gotten a determination on my long-term disability claim with my employer, and there’s a chance it will be denied due to a pre-existing condition clause. So I’m preparing myself to go from “poor” to “destitute” within the next couple months, while also hoping that things come together.
It kinda feels like the Jews in the desert, who had to rely on Hashem to provide for their daily needs. Every day they received only the exact portion of manna that they needed for that day, and they had to trust that Hashem would provide what they needed again the next day, and the next, and all the days after that. For the last several months, it feels as though Hashem has been providing my exact portions as I need them, and no more than that. It has been extremely difficult for me to completely relinquish control, and to accept that most of the time there is very little I can actually do to prepare and plan for the future. Perhaps that is the lesson I’m supposed to be learning: that all my efforts and plans and the strength of my own hands is nothing but an illusion, and all we ever receive is that which Hashem gives us.
I’ll try to be a good student.
