You know your life is intense when your
immediate reaction to the thought of potentially catching COVID-19 and
suffocating to death is, “Not AGAIN!!”
I’ve been feeling oddly emotionally
detached from the chaos and trauma that are currently engulfing the world. Part
of it is because my life hasn’t actually changed that much, since I’ve been
hunkering down and desperately trying to avoid germs for months now. I also
have lots of experience with pondering all the terrible ways I could die and
the fact that it could happen at any time, both before and after transplant. So
I guess my whole life, and particularly the last year, have been excellent
preparation for a world altering pandemic.
Last week I had a bronchoscopy. We debated whether
it was worth the risk, but decided it was better to do it now before the world becomes
even more chaotic and dangerous. Apparently I made it in just under the wire,
as shortly afterwards almost all procedures were suspended. The whole bronch-during-a-pandemic
experience was pretty surreal. It
started with a bizarre phone call over an hour before my appointment letting me
know that they had an earlier opening available and I could come in whenever I
wanted. That NEVER happens!! We then zipped through the trafficless city
streets in record time. Valet parking was closed, so we used the lot across the
street and walked to the hospital, which meant we got to see the usually jam-packed
Perelman Center looking like a ghost town. On arriving at the hospital we had
to use hand sanitizer and get checked for fever, and were asked about any
potential COVID exposure. The pre-op waiting room was absolutely empty, which
is absolutely unheard of. And then there were all the new regulations and
procedures to protect both staff and patients: everyone in masks at all times,
new extended cleaning routines, being placed in an isolation room post-op. I definitely
wasn’t thrilled about heading to the hospital and potentially exposing myself
to all kinds of germs, but I did feel pretty safe in the end.
Thankfully this bronch looked better than the
last one, and we think I’ll be able to wait at least 2 months before doing it
again. Who knows what the world will look like then, but hopefully, HOPEFULLY,
it’ll look better than it does now. And 2 months from now will also be after my
one year “lungiversary,” which is pretty mind blowing! It’s so bizarre that I
somehow managed to survive respiratory failure and a double lung transplant
only to end up trying to survive a global pandemic less than a year later. I’m
not sure what I imagined my post-transplant life would look like, but it
certainly wasn’t this!
Right now, however, I have a more immediate
concern: Pesach (Passover)!! The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of
planning and lists and enlisting family and friends to go shopping for me and finding
online retailers that still ship in a reasonable time frame and cleaning and
cooking and tears and panic attacks. And I know I’m not the only one who has
been losing my mind over suddenly needing to make Pesach for the first time. I
know this has been an extremely difficult time for the entire Jewish community,
and that so many of us are now forced to be alone during a holiday that
typically involves multiple huge celebratory meals filled with family and
friends. Honestly, I really wasn’t sure I could manage everything! Yet somehow here
I am, several hours before Pesach, with almost everything prepared and ready to
go. I hope everyone else also found unexpected reserves of strength to get through
this, and that we all manage to make the holiday as festive and meaningful as
possible.
Last year I was in the hospital for Pesach.
I definitely had much higher hopes for this Pesach! But, at least I’m home, and
mostly healthy. The mere fact that I’m alive to see this Pesach is a miraculous
blessing! Yes, preparing was stressful, and exhausting, and the next few days
will definitely be long. But, I did it! Last year I couldn’t have managed even
a fraction of the work I put in these last few days. This year, I can BREATHE!
So instead of focusing on everything and everyone that’s missing, I’ll try to
focus on that. I’ll try to appreciate all that I accomplished, and the very
fact that I was able to accomplish it. I’ll try to have the best Pesach I can
under these conditions, and know that next year WILL be better. Next year we will
be together again, and we will appreciate it all the more for having missed
each other this year.
Chag kasher v’sameach (Have a happy and kosher Passover)!!
